A Random Scene from S.E. Gordon's Harry Potter Parody

The following is a random scene from a parody I'm working on titled:

Hairy Pinga and How The Prisoner of My Anus Shoved The Sorcerer’s Stones, A Goblin on Fire, and Half a Bloody Pint Up His Bunghole While in the Secret Chamber Passing Deadly Hollows with a Disorderly Phoenix

(whew!)

Character Key

Name	Equivalent
Hairy Pinga	Harry Potter
Hermaphrodites (aka Herpes)	Hermoine Granger
Weasledick Paisley	Ron Weasly
Dildo Boytoy	Draco Malfoy

And without further ado:

Chapter X: Brokeback Biscuits

“Mmm…the meatballs are exquisite.” Hermaphrodites gobbled down another.

“Just do not ask whose balls those are,” said Hairy.

Hermaphrodites puked all over the kid next to her. “What is your deal, Hairy Pinga? Why are you not eating?”

“My family is poor; I do not have any money,” he frowned.

“Poor little Pinga. I guess you will just have to prostitute yourself out.”

“Perhaps you could lend me some money, Herpes.” Hairy lit up.

“I’m not a charity.” Hermaphrodites flipped open her compact mirror and checked her lipstick. She pondered for a moment, and then snapped it shut. “I’ll tell you what, Hairy. I will pay you handsomely if you will dance around the schoolyard in girl’s underwear.”

“Like these?” Hairy twirled a pair of poka-dotted briefs around his finger.

“There they are.” She snatched them back. “You are quite a magician when it comes to ladies’ panties.”

“You have no idea,” Hairy grinned.

“So you will run around the commons in my panties and nothing more?” She slid a penny towards him.

“A penny? What the hell am I supposed to do with this?” Hairy exclaimed.

The engraving of President Lincoln turned its head. “What’s that supposed to mean, asshole?” The penny relieved itself in Hairy’s face.

“Did that penny just pee on you?” Weaseldick exclaimed.

“I am not sure what happened.” Hairy wiped the strange substance from his brow.

A moment later a kid strolled by and snagged the penny from the table.

“Hey!” said Hairy.

“Furthermore,” Hermaphrodites slid a second penny, “I want you to lick a pair of donkey balls in front of the entire student body.”

The second caricature did not wait for a snide comment, and promptly tinkled on both Hairy’s and Weaseldick’s heads before hopping away.

“Then it’s a deal!” Hermaphrodites shook Hairy’s outstretched hand.

“You ruthless bitch! At least give me something in return.”

Hermaphrodites picked through her tray, and handed him the smallest item.

“A biscuit?” Hairy croaked.

“Eat my biscuit, bitch!” She rose. “And don’t even think about getting anything from me, Weaseldick. You should not even be here.” She turned and walked away.

Weaseldick burst into tears.

“There, there.” Hairy patted his moist mop. “Here, eat my biscuit.” He placed the cookie in Weaseldick’s mouth.

“You two should get a room at Brokeback Mountain,” Dildo Boytoy laughed.

“Brokeback’s a mountain--they have caves, not rooms,” Weaseldick corrected.

“Happy cave diving,” Dildo giggled with the others at Clitorin’s table.

“Come on, Weaseldick. Let’s get out of here.” Hairy smacked him on the ass.