Friday, April 1, 2011

Übermom - Chapter 1: Pisa

“Good evening, this is WOW News Tonight with Bland Cadaver,” the newsman droned. “So who’s that spritely woman flying around in her pajamas? The world wants to know. 24 hours ago, a video mysteriously surfaced on YouTube, giving viewers their first glimpse of the masked super mommy. Within minutes, the 30-second clip went viral, spawning itself across every major network web-wide.

“Now people can’t get enough about how she swooped down, and saved that elderly couple from the falling Tower of Pisa. Not only did she prevent the tower from making marinara out of the centenarians, apparently she did a little grocery shopping as well before propping it upright. Though many are relieved, not everyone is thrilled with her handiwork.”

The broadcast cut over to a pair of Italian men gazing at the erect campanile.

“Mama mia!” cried one, pulling out his hair.

“Insalata, gelato…holy fagioli!” screamed the other.

“Roughly translated: ‘Oh, you cruel flying ninny, look what you have done to our beautiful, crusty tower. Get back here, and fix this immediately!’” Cadaver’s white teeth sparkled. “Will she fly back to Tuscany? Will she grace us with her superhuman presence? The world sits on pins and needles…the film at 11.”

Melody May clicked off the television with her remote. “Those crazy Italians.” She shook her head.

“Hey mommy, what are Italians?” Her daughter Delilah gazed up with her big, brown eyes.

“Oh, they’re the ones who created pizza and pasta and the mafia,” Melody replied.

“Yeah, but are they really crazy?” she squeaked.

“When you taste how bad their pizza is, you’ll understand why.” Melody brushed her dark brown hair aside, and continued mopping.

Delilah played with a tangle of her golden hair. “Mommy, what’s the mafia?”

Suddenly the phone rang.

“Look at that—the phone’s ringing! Sorry honey, I need to take this.” Melody lunged for the handset. Delilah whined as Melody picked up. “Hello?”

“Hey, honey. It’s me. Great news--it looks like I got the promotion after all,” said George May.

“Oh darling, that’s fantastic,” Melody replied.

“Yeah, I told my new boss we should celebrate, so I invited him over for dinner.”

“You what?” Melody exclaimed.

“He knows what a wonderful cook you are, so he asked if he could taste it for himself.”

“But honey, I’m cleaning. It’ll take me a several hours before…oh my gosh,” Melody gawked at the stove. “Is it 3 o’clock already? That only gives me a few hours to pull the house together and cook.”

“I’m sure you’ll think of something. You always do,” George replied.

“But George, can’t we do this another night?” Melody pleaded.

“Tony’s in the mood for French, darling, authentic French cuisine. Have fun, and I’ll see you tonight.” He hung up.

“George? George!” She slammed down the phone. “That little bastard,” she said under her breath.

“Hey mommy, what’s a-”

“Tell you what, honey. How would you like to take a trip to Paris?” Melody got on one knee.

“When, now?”

“Right now,” Melody grinned.

“Yay!” Delilah jumped up and down. “Can we dress up again?” She batted her button eyes.

“You betcha.” Melody tickled her until she cried.


  1. Oh dear...Poor Nichole, it's a hard job being Ubermom. Next time she need to fly to Virginia for drinks with Scott and Christine;)

  2. Ahahaha!! I love it!

  3. TGIF, Christine! I will be there shortly. Please have a drink with a little umbrella ready.

    “Insalata, gelato…holy fagioli!” LOL! Gelato?
    Love it, Scott. Too funny.