I know, my parents didn't raise me right, and my father dropped me on my head when I was young. The following is the third vile, utterly ruthless, random scene from the Harry Potter parody I'm working on entitled:
Hairy Pinga and How The Prisoner of My Anus Shoved The Sorcerer's Stones, A Goblin on Fire, and Half a Bloody Pint Up His Bunghole While in the Secret Chamber Passing Deadly Hollows with a Disorderly Phoenix
|Harry Pinga||Harry Potter|
|Weaseldick Paisley||Ron Weasly|
|Hermaphrodites (aka Herpes)||Hermoine Granger|
|Syphilis Snake||Severus Snape|
Chapter X: Syphilis
The black mage stalked the classroom.
"This is the dark arts workshop, but you can just call it shop," said Professor Syphilis Snake. "To succeed on this evil stage, you need at least a basic grasp of math. So class, what's 5 times 2? Anyone?"
"64?" a kid replied.
"Wrong!" Syphilis blasted the child to kingdom come. "Would anyone else like a crack at it? How about you, Mr. Pinga?"
"It's Hairy," he replied.
"I do not need to know if there's a jungle growing in your pants, Mr. Pinga, just answer the question."
Beads of sweat ran down Hairy's brow. "Well…"
"Ten." Hermaphrodites stood.
"I was not asking you, Herpes." Snake pointed his wand.
"I'm sorry, sir." She held her head. "It's just that Hairy used some sort of mind control to extract the answer."
"Is that so?" Syphilis raised an eyebrow. "One would think that if he were half that clever, he would be using his powers of persuasion to get in your pants. Hairy, since you could not craft an answer, why don't you tell the class the color of Hermaphrodites' underwear?"
"Oh, that's easy. White with purple poka-dots." He grinned.
"Hairy!" Her eyes filled with daggers.
"Alright, Hermaphrodites, now show the class your booty," said the professor.
"You're kidding, right? I'm not showing my underwear to anyone." She flicked her brown locks aside.
Syphilis Snake crossed his arms. "It's not like everyone hasn't seen that filthy cooch before." He raised his wand.
"Fine." She dropped her skirt. "See?"
The room gasped.
"Are those balls?" said Hairy.
"I think I saw one of those on Animal Planet," Weaseldick pointed.
"What's wrong with this picture?" Syphilis scratched his chin. "Did hapless Hairy vaporize your underwear?"
Hermaphrodites looked down in horror. Quickly she jacked up her skirt.
"It's a good thing you're 19," said the professor.
"No wonder she knows all the answers," Weaseldick whispered to Hairy.
"Hairy, even though you have the IQ of a half digested radish shit out the backend of a mule, I think you've got the right idea. This is an evil workshop, after all. Humiliation can be worse than death, and we must pride ourselves on dishing out the very best to our enemies. You live to see another day, Mr. Pinga." He shoved the wand down the front of his pants.
"It's Hairy," the aloof magician replied as the bell rang.
Syphilis loomed over him. "Do not tempt me to change my mind, jungle boy."