Tuesday, July 5, 2011

A Hare-brained Holiday by S.E. Gordon

The moment Delilah tore through the golden wrapping paper, Melody May knew she was in for a wild night.

“Thank you, daddy!” The blond munchkin hugged his leg.

“Look, it even has skis.” George pointed to the box.

“Are those horns poking out of its head?” Melody raised an eyebrow.

George fumbled with his glasses. “Heh, I didn’t even notice,” he chuckled.

Melody knew her husband well. A child at heart, at times it was difficult to tell the two apart. On weekends, and especially holidays, her husband would take Delilah to the store, and spend hours playing with every toy until the manager kicked them out. She could not believe George overlooked this disturbing detail; certainly he’d memorized its vulgar lines by now.

“What can I say? I’m horny, baby,” the bunny giggled.

Melody wanted nothing more than to feed the foul-mouthed fur ball to the fire, and then roast a pair of forty-year-old nuts. “Cute. What else does it say?”

Delilah smirked and squeezed its paw.

“I’m so hot, even the polar icecaps can’t cool me off,” it murmured.

“Isn’t it a riot?” George cackled.

“George, you’re killing me.” Melody brushed her auburn hair aside, and rubbed her temples.

“Honey, check this out.” George removed the pink bunny from the box, and squeezed its tail. Clear liquid tinkled out its crotch, dousing Melody’s gown.

“Oops, my bad. Wet t-shirt contest, anyone?” the demonic toy grinned.

“What is this? The Pink Snowbunny from Hell?” Melody frowned. And sure enough, that was exactly what was printed on the side of the box. “Detroit, Michigan? I’m surprised it wasn’t manufactured in Hades.”

“Close enough.” George shrugged.

Instead of dumping the box in the trash, Melody tossed it into the fire.

“Ooh…you’ve got me all fired up, baby. You know what to do with the whip.”

“There’s a whip?” George dug through the crumpled paper.

“Didn’t see one, honey.” Melody shook her head as the flames devoured the box. Too bad it was only a stuffed animal; she needed something for Christmas dinner. Rabbit would be perfect for such an occasion.

“Let’s put the skis on, dear.” George clipped them on the doll’s feet.

“I think I’ve had too much to drink…good thing we have strap-ons,” the doll chortled.

Melody grimaced. This time no one touched the doll, and still it dispensed its filth; but the bunny had one last trick up its furry tail.

“If you’re really adventurous, pull my finger.”

Melody couldn’t stomach another word. “That’s it! Don’t touch that thing, Delilah.”

“It’s just a gag gift, honey. Lighten up.” George pulled the bunny’s paw.

Suddenly red gas emanated from the bunny’s rear. Her husband and daughter slumped over as the room filled with smoke. “George? Delilah?” Melody dipped her nose in her gown. She shook them, but they would not wake, snoring like babies.

“Thank you for inviting me into your humble abode, Übermom.” The bunny’s eyes glowed.

Melody recognized the voice, but could not place it. She hauled George and Delilah outside as the mysterious vapor painted the night. Suddenly the sliding glass door behind her shattered.

“What’s going on?” George stirred, pulling Delilah closer.

“It’s nothing, dear. Take a nap.” As Melody stepped inside, the bunny fired lasers from its eyes, igniting the Christmas tree. “Enough!” She took a deep breath, and blew out the tree like a candle, hurling the room’s contents against the far wall.

“I like it when you play rough.” The bunny shook itself off and scurried over.

“What a minute.” Melody’s übervision pierced its fur, and recognized the components underneath. “You’re that adult play toy that was marketed to children last Christmas, aren’t you? We traced you back to China, then Europe, the Middle East, and then ultimately here. Aren’t you supposed to be-”

“A hamster? Version 2.0, baby—I also double as a samurai assassin.” The hare stripped off its skis, and unsheathed a wicked pair of katanas concealed inside. “Due to your recent exploits in Pakistan, I understand you have a date with President Gerich. You’re going to take me to him, and gift me to his daughter.” More gas came out its backend.

“Not a chance,” Melody coughed. “Besides, what do you have against the president anyways?” She jumped aside as the bunny swung down its blades.

“Do I have to spell it out for you?” The bunny pounced, slicing air. “Gerich used the profits from the Hamsters from Hell collection to buy his presidency.”


“It’s true.” The bunny stabbed the swords into the carpet and sobbed. “I was the original prototype until he decided to go with hamsters.”

“That sneaky little bastard! In that case, let’s pay him a visit right now.” Übermom grabbed the bunny, and flew to the White House lawn in the blink of an eye. She crammed the bunny up his crack and flew off in a flash; the Secret Service only noticing a fleeting gust of wind.

But President Gerich felt every inch of it.

“In closing, I would like to thank you for letting me work my political magic during these challenging times. Have a happy holiday, everyone.” Gerich flashed a smile, and then hobbled off.

“What can I say? I’m horny, baby,” a giggle came from the president.

The press corps gasped. Slowly the president fished something out of his pants.

“Did President Gerich just pull a rabbit out of his ass?” George gawked at the television.

“I guess politicians really are magicians.” Melody turned it off.

“The last one is for you, dear.” He handed her a gift.

Melody spotted the golden wrapping and hesitated.

“Come on, mom, open it,” Delilah squeaked.

Melody rolled her eyes, and then tore off the paper. “A Heckle Me Lilo doll?”

“You suck!” The toy promptly vomited on her.

“Isn’t it a gas?” George howled.

Übermom shook her head. Some things never change.


  1. Very good, Scott! Twisted and clever - two of my favorite things. :-)

  2. Thanks, Buddy. I'd love to get everyone's feedback, good or bad.

  3. I loved it. The profanity was a bit much, but it made me laugh out loud several times. I would read your work in the future.

  4. I can see how it might be a little over the top in terms of profanity. I left the more scandalous parts in to give the readership an opportunity to tell me where I should tone it down. I see two such places where it's warranted. Thanks for your input, Kate. Exactly what I need.

  5. Definitely twisted, SE. Profanity doesn't bother this rock-and-roll author -- frankly, it was more fun when the bunny was spewing sexual innuendo. (or not-innuendo) But... I'm probably the minority.

  6. Ha! So perhaps two versions are warranted...